gunslinger

[gunslinger]

this is an old story that has been covered in cobwebs and I thought I would dust it off and shine it up a bit. When I joined the forums a few years back I have a different forum name but my first banger model I called gunslinger. as my forum name was long and wasn't really DarkAge, and I trying to be a demo team, I changed it to gunslinger and have had the monicer since. this is the story of that gunslinger.. Abit old fashioned and a bit old west..

read and enjoy.. (Pr0fane) this one's for you brother.

Dust stirred up as I turned to leave, my long coat brushed the floor as it spun about my feet. I reached down to check the loads in Smith and Wesson. Smith and Wesson were the names I had given my Angel

[Pr0fane]

Aww...shuck pardner.

...might wanna revise that reference to Reaper. Remember we scrapped that unit a while back.

[gunslinger]

I might just scrap the reference to any specific unit and go with general descriptions.. but yeah, I totally forgot to change that unit.

i had expected a few critiques.. I can't imagine that this was polished..

any takers?

[gunslinger]

feel free to pick it apart.

[xeoran]

Ooops...missed this. I remember reading this on the old forum (I think...). Its a nice piece, very western-esque with enough rebellion and religion to make it truly Forsaken. More!

[SpawnovChaos]

this town aint big enough for the both of us partna

wow gunslinger, just wow. nice inclusion of a very western theme in the dark age world :D

however, i do have a few crits

this is just a personnal nit pick, but the 'saints office' conjures in my head some white walled, tiled floor dog the bounty hunter esque chill room for saint mary. while this is a personnal pet peeve, maybe a synonym to keep the feel and flow of the story?

one thing that might make the overall piece flow better is the use of more pronouns, however that is a writing style quirk. some cases you mentioned:
[quote]Peter had just finished upgrading Noah

[gunslinger]

this town aint big enough for the both of us partna

wow gunslinger, just wow. nice inclusion of a very western theme in the dark age world :D

Thank you.. I am a sucker for a good western.. and fantasy westerns.. wooot.

however, i do have a few crits


this is just a personnal nit pick, but the 'saints office' conjures in my head some white walled, tiled floor dog the bounty hunter esque chill room for saint mary. while this is a personnal pet peeve, maybe a synonym to keep the feel and flow of the story?

what exactly do you mean? that is exactly the type of image i was trying to conjure. This image is part of the reason that "gunslinger" has fallen out of favor with the saints. He believes they are just desk jockey patseys that basically order others off to their death while they retain the honors and rewards of said deeds.

[quote=SpawnovChaos]one thing that might make the overall piece flow better is the use of more pronouns, however that is a writing style quirk. some cases you mentioned:
[quote]Peter had just finished upgrading Noah

[SpawnovChaos]

well, if that was the imagery you wanted to conjure in peoples head, you were definetly spot on!

as for the my quote being the same as my correction, in your quote you had 2 ands, in my correction there is 1, plus some comma


i look forward to hearing more : )

[xeoran]

For seperating the teams perhaps give them biblical names. I'm assuming they will be using radio (no need for team names otherwise) ao call them say "Damocles" and "Babylon". Or name them after Archangels: "Michael", "Gabriel" or Saints: "Peter", "Paul" etc.

[gunslinger]

good idea, i will stay away from saint names as even gunslinger knows to stay away from sacrilige.. kinda.. lol.

Damocles and Sypher sound like 2 good ones I could use.. thanks.