1. #1
    Never Knows Best's Avatar
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    Aug 2012
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    Interview with a Squad of Menial Bots

    Following the Super Bowl, I had an opportunity to interview one of the newest death squads to Dark Age, the champions of carnage known as the Menial Bot squad.

    Initially, the interview was set to take place at a local pub at One o'clock. My camera crews got their early and I got out of wardrobe and we waited. At One-fifteen they had still not shown and we received a call.


    "A Biker says he saw the squad wandering around in the park," shouts the director.

    Quickly I had my main camera guy package up his equipment and we hopped into a van.

    We got to the park and there they were, the Menail Bot squad wandering all over the park. One of them appeared to be slashing violently at a tetherball as it bounced back and forth while two of them seemed tangled up in the swings and monkey bars.

    I approached cautiously. The Menials seemed abuzz, shouting out in anger and confusion.


    On Camera:

    Menials: "Enemy! Enemyenemyenemy. Enemyenemy...en..emy, enemyenemyenemyenemy enemy..."

    Interviewer: "Hello, gentlemen. What a lovely day to enjoy a bit of nature, what brings you to the park today?"

    Menial Leader: "Enemy? Enemy, enemy!"

    Menials: "Enemy, Enemy, En..."

    The Camera shows from all corners of the park the Menials swarm together towards the interviewer and the camera guy:

    At this point in the interview I began to suspect they didn't recognized me and forgot we had scheduled an interview altogether. Still, looking at their fierce appearance, these had to be the deadly warriors I had been looking for, didn't they?

    Interviewer: "Woa, easy guys. We had an interview scheduled, remember? Is it okay if I ask you some questions?"

    Menials: (all shouting together) "..emy, enemyenem... HOLD..."
    "ONE-ONE, ONE-TWO-ONE-O... "
    "Processing..."

    Menials: (a pause) "COMMAND?"

    Menial Leader: "Command... SCANNING!"

    Menial One: "Sssssscanning!"

    Menials Two through five: (mumbling) "enemyenemyenemyenemy..."

    Menial One: "Process. Complete. Sssscan. Complete."

    Menail Leader: "Enemy?"

    Menial One: (a pause, come clicking) "OURSIDE!"

    Menial Leader: "OURSIDE!"

    Menials: "OURSIDE!"

    The Camera pans from menial to menial, their eyes turn from red to blue.

    Interviewer: "Whew! Glad we got that settled. Well, where should we begin. Today you are one of the feared death squads of the battlefield, tactical geniuses of dispaching an enemy. What has been your secret for success?

    Menail Four: "ERrrROR!"

    Menial Two: "Command: s-u-c-c-e-s-s... Doessss not compute."

    Menial Three: (chewing on a leaf) "enemyenemyenemy -munch, munch -"

    Interviewer: "Um, perhaps you, their leader, can tell us; what are some tips you tell your troops before a big battle? What do you do to get them mentally prepared for life and death combat?"

    Menial Leader: "Combat. Command. Input, input, input.... Confirm - computing, computing - Alpha programming acknowledged? ACKNOWLEDGE!"

    Menials: "ACKNOWLEDGE! Alpha input required! Confirm command!"

    Interviewer: "Alpha? Well, no. I'm Burt Stevenson, with Channel 6 news. We had an interview today?"

    Menials: "COMMAND: STEVE-N-SON.... COMMAND:Not recognized."

    Menail Leader: "COMMAND: not acknowledged"

    Menials: "Enemies? Enemy, enemyenemyenemyenemy..."

    We watched as they seem to lose interest and begin to wander. Perhaps they weren't interested in being interviewed but I was determined. I had to learn what made this fighting force so fierce and unstoppable.

    Interviewer: "Wait a second! Hold on there. Maybe you can tell me, how does it feel to be a part of this group? (grabs one of the menials shoulder)

    Menial Four: (beeping) "squad... distance... meters, meters 12, 13, 14..."

    Interview: (trying to speak clearer) "I said, what's it like being a part of your squad? Yes, you. I'm talking to you."

    Menial Four: "16, 17,18... Input? U! U! COMMAND: U.... Doezzz not compute! Error! Error! Error! Error!"

    Before the camera sparks fly from the Menial Bot, smoke rises from its head and it slumps down into a heap in front of the interviewer.

    I was beginning to understand. These might not be the intelligent beings I thought they were. In fact, they appeared to be... completely brainless. And they seemed to have more bugs than my Apple computer. Just then, a squirrel ran through the park, immediately attracting the interest of the menial squad.

    Menial Leader: "Search mode: Confirmed. ENEMY! Command: DESTROY!"

    Menials: "ENEMY! Enemy, Enemy, Enemy!"

    The menails chase the squirrel to a tree, trying haplessly to climb and claw up the trunk clumsily, the squirrel chattering angrily back down on them from a high branch.

    At this point I had enough. I removed my shoe and tossed it at the nearest one.

    Menial Two: (BONK!) "OW! REGENERATE! ....regenerating... Activate: Reboot: Reload... Confirm: Enemy!"

    Menial Three: (chewing on bark) "Enemy? -Munch, munch, munch-"

    Menial Leader: "Congfirm: Enemy! Command: DESTROY!"

    The camera shows the menials disengaging from the tree and chasing down the interviewer. He screams and the interviewer drops the camera and shouting and screaming is heard off screen.... End of Broadcast.

  2. #2
    When will these peace love and happiness guys learn somethings you just don't make friends with

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